Partly how we were raised (one behavioral economist says her firm’s research found parents teach boys to invest and girls to save), and partly because asking for money for yourself carries a social cost that asking on someone else’s behalf doesn’t. The pay gap is real: US women working full time earned 84 percent of what men did in 2023. The fix is to price like you’re negotiating for a friend, and to let the numbers do the talking instead of your nerves.
Somewhere right now a man is quoting double your rate from a slide deck he made on the train. He’ll sleep fine tonight. You’ll lie awake wondering if you should have said “flexible.”
Why it’s harder than it sounds
It starts early. Way earlier than your first invoice. One behavioral economist told us her firm’s research found that “parents teach boys to invest, they teach them to take risks, and they teach girls to save. They teach them to be conservative and not take risks with their money.” So you learned the piggy bank. He learned the stock market. Then you both grew up and quoted for the same job.
Then there’s the history, which is younger than it looks. The Equal Credit Opportunity Act only passed in October 1974. Before it, mortgage lenders often discounted a married woman’s income, especially if she was of childbearing age. That’s your mom’s generation. Possibly your mortgage broker’s mom.
And the bit nobody says out loud. Asking for more, for yourself, can cost you socially. In a 2010 study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Emily Amanatullah and Michael Morris found that women bargaining for themselves expected backlash for being assertive, so they hedged, used fewer competitive tactics and got worse outcomes. When the same women bargained on someone else’s behalf, they didn’t hedge and did better. Same women. Different client.
So no, you’re not bad at money. You’re good at reading a room. Unhelpfully good.
What actually works
Quote like you’re her agent
Use the study. Write the quote as if your best friend asked you to price her work. You’d never let her knock 20 percent off before the client even blinked. Some women go further and talk about “our rate” or “the studio’s rate,” even when the studio is a laptop and a cat.
Stop treating money like a foreign language
Finance has spent decades presenting itself as big and complicated. The same economist’s best line is about Sephora. You don’t spend your whole budget on one brand of skincare. You try a few and see what works. “We do this already. It’s intuitive. We just call it something different in the finance world.” Pricing is the same. You already weigh value against cost every day. Do it for yourself.
Never make them guess your worth
Serena owned up to this one on the show. Her habit was “you pay me what you think I’m worth, don’t make me ask for it.” The economist’s verdict: “It’s very dangerous,” because people are looking for a price to tell them what you’re worth, not the other way around. Even her own pay-what-you-want offer comes with a suggested number at checkout. That’s an anchor. Always give them one.
Remember who you are in the room
You know the moment the plan dies: you walk into the negotiation and your mind goes blank. Then you start acting like the intern. You are not the intern. Write that on a sticky note and leave it on your laptop.
Swap “I feel” for a number
“I think we’re probably around…” is a feeling. “The project is $8,000” is a price. Say the number, then stop talking. The silence is not a question. It’s them doing math.
Hear it from someone who’s done it
Etinosa Agbonlahor is a behavioral economist who builds pricing strategy for a living. She explains where the money caution comes from and why it isn’t your fault (though it is now your problem). Jump to 8:43 to hear it, or find the full conversation on the episode page.
FAQ
Is the gender pay gap real?
Yes. The Bureau of Labor Statistics put women’s median weekly earnings at 84 percent of men’s in 2023 for full-time wage and salary workers. That’s up from 62 percent in 1979, which is progress, at roughly the speed of a printer warming up.
Why do women undercharge in business?
A mix of upbringing, history and backlash. Many of us were taught to save and play it safe, and research shows women expect to be judged for pushing hard on their own behalf. The result is a quote that apologizes before the client has said a word.
How do I know my worth as a woman?
Your worth as a person isn’t on the invoice. What’s on the invoice is the value of the result you deliver, measured in time saved, money made or problems solved. Price that, and anchor it before the client does.
How do I value myself as a woman when I’m asking for money?
Borrow someone else’s backbone. Price your work the way you’d price it for a friend, write the number down before the call, and say it first. Then let the silence do some of the work.
Next step: listen to the full episode, especially the part on what to do when a client won’t pay.