Compare yourself to who you were last year, not to someone else’s highlight reel. Cut back on the feeds that leave you feeling behind, and treat the comparisons you can’t avoid as information: what exactly does she have that you want? The thing that makes you different is usually the thing worth building on.
It’s 11pm. You’re in bed, scrolling. A woman you sat next to in college has just launched her second company, run a marathon, and posted a sourdough loaf that looks like it was designed by an architect. You had cereal for dinner. Twice this week.
Why it’s harder than it sounds
The polite advice is “just focus on your own journey.” Sure. Right after you check how her journey is going. Again.
Comparing is how people work out where they stand. You can’t switch it off. The trouble is what you’re comparing against. Nobody posts the invoice that didn’t get paid or the launch that sold three units. You see the best day of hundreds of people, every day, and set it next to your Tuesday.
Psychologists at the University of Toledo measured the damage. In a 2014 study in Psychology of Popular Media Culture, people who used Facebook most often had poorer self-esteem, and the link ran through greater exposure to upward comparisons. In a second experiment, people felt worse about themselves after viewing a profile packed with upward comparison material, like a busy social life and healthy habits. Somebody else’s kale salad, measurably lowering your mood.
What actually works
Edit the feed before it edits you
You choose who you see every morning. Mute the accounts that leave you feeling behind, even the ones you like. Call it petty if you like. It’s also basic hygiene for what you let into your head before your first coffee.
Turn envy into a shopping list
Envy is annoying, but it’s specific. When someone’s life stings, ask what exactly you want from it. Her audience? Her confidence on video? Her free Fridays? You probably don’t want her whole life (she has her own 11pm scroll). Pick the one thing, and make it a goal.
Compare with your past self
Pull up what you were doing two years ago. The revenue, the clients, the things that scared you then and bore you now. That’s a fair comparison, with the same starting conditions, the same kids, the same bank balance. It’s also the only one that tells you anything useful.
Run toward the thing that makes you different
Most of us spend years sanding down the very thing that would make us stand out. One founder, an artist who has worked in the beauty business for a long time, says the first thing women tell her about is their flaws. Her advice to her younger self: “what you think is your flaw, is your superpower.” And: “whatever makes you different, that’s exactly what you should be doing and run towards it.”
When everyone copies the same picture of success, sameness is the cheap part. Your difference is the scarce one.
Accept that not everyone will like it
Comparison feeds on wanting to be liked by everyone. That founder has made her peace with being, in her host’s words, “someone who’s not for everyone.” Her own verdict: “If everybody liked me, it would be a problem.” Write that on a sticky note and put it on your phone.
Hear it from someone who’s done it
Cameron Cohen is an intuitive artist in Los Angeles. Asked what she’d tell her younger self, she went straight to it. The thing she thought set her apart for the wrong reasons was the thing to lean into. Jump to 45:27 for her answer, or listen on the episode page.
FAQ
How do I stop comparing myself to other women?
Notice which women trigger it, then get curious about what you actually want from their lives. Often it’s one specific thing. Name it, plan for it, and drop the rest.
Why do I compare myself to others so much?
Because comparison is how humans measure themselves, and social media gives you an endless supply of people to measure against. The habit is normal. The volume is the problem.
How do I stop caring what people think?
You won’t stop completely, and you don’t need to. Decide whose opinion counts, like clients, your team, a few people you trust, and let everyone else’s go to voicemail.
How do I celebrate my own progress?
Keep a simple list of what you’ve done each month. Read it on the days the scroll gets loud. Your own record is the one comparison that’s always fair.
Your next step
Your difference is your best content. Captrr, my company, makes podcasts for experts who’d rather sound like themselves than like everybody else.